August 13, 2023

The Fabulous Funeral

Only in New York City will you find yourself on Madison Avenue in the same funeral home as Judy Garland. Rest in peace and sparkles Mr. Matthew. Dare I say your funeral was fabulous? Certainly, something over the rainbow.

 

Billy Blake was there too; for he’s a friend of a friend of Mr. Matthew’s. “It’s kind of perfect,” he said on our walk to the nearest Q after the service, “I’m already wearing an all-black suit for my 3:00 interview.”

 

Like most struggling actors in New York City, Billy had begun his bartending job hunt to hold his rent over until being cast in his next role. He recently took a class for his bartending license to compensate for his lack of experience and stand out in the large competition pool. His 3:00 was at 230 Fifth Rooftop Bar by the Flatiron building. It’s not the kind of bar I would bring a friend on a “let’s pregame to LMFAO, go out, and get weird” Friday night but certainly a bar I’d take someone I’m trying to impress, like a snobby date or a business meeting. The last time my friend went he introduced himself to Waka Flocka Flame.

 

Billy told me about a side gig his friend once had reading storybooks to kids at the library.

 

“That’s perfect,” I said.

 

“They were super nice,” he assured, “just go into this location where he worked and ask if they have any upcoming readings, get your name on some list and they’ll start calling you in.”

 

There’s always “some list.” Whether it’s a reservation or a hot new club or you’re on hold or in line for a job; the one thing in your way (more likely than not) is, “some list.”

 

After we parted ways, I wished Billy extra luck on his interview (for selfish reasons of course; I wanted to meet Waka Flocka Flame) and marched over to the library. I too was in luck; already in professional attire and always carrying a folded up resumé in my purse next to a corkscrew for a weapon and cigarettes in case I find myself in such a circumstance where I am networking at a bar or club and the person of importance I am trying to impress asks for a cigarette and is therefore pigeon-holed into hearing my spiel for hire once I step outside with them- a working trick I learned from my grandfather. That is too why I carry salt and pepper- one must always be prepared for an impromptu business meeting.

 

This might come off terrible, but I assure you it comes from a place of heart; we should really start scheduling professional affair following funerals. We are already dressed up for the day and have an immediate conversational piece other than noting the weather’s behavior.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said the bitch behind the desk at the New York Public Library, “you can volunteer to shelf books if you want, but we don’t read to the kids. I don’t know who you heard that from.”

 

I didn’t care for that woman.